Doubts
by ShelbyLehnsherr
Summary: Hearing a critical comment about youkai and how it isn't natural for them to exist with humans, Hakkai questions his relationship with Gojyo. Even though Gojyo isn't entirely human, he knows he still has the capability of hurting him. YAOI. Gojyo/Hakkai


**Doubts**

"Humans and demons should have never been living together in the first place-it's not natural!"

The words that left the girls mouth were laced with venom, her tone filled with enough malice and hatred to speak for the entire human race. The look on Goku's face wasn't enough to persuade her to cease her argument, and after the first statement, eye contact was broken and his face became stricken with guilt.

Gojyo frowned around the cigarette between his lips, eyes narrowing with disgust. Even though he was merely a half breed, it was just as offensive as if he were a full demon.

Hakkai was no stranger to prejudice. Even before starting their journey west, he'd been faced with it-his relationship with Kanan had always been questionable, frowned upon by those who were aware of the fact that she was his sister. After being taken in by Gojyo and becoming a demon, he'd become all too familiar with the fact that the vast majority of humans considered demons to be some sort of abomination. Even under the guise of a normal human being his limiters provided him with, it was difficult to escape the reality of what he was. While not directly effected by the Minus Wave yet, he was still capable of falling victim to it at any given moment.

At the girl's words, Hakkai couldn't help but frown. The nagging voice in the back of his mind persisted that maybe she was right-maybe demons and humans were not meant to coexist. After all, the world wasn't improving any because of it; if anything, demons had only made things even worse.  
They were, as many so heartily believed, mere monsters.

He could feel a crease forming between his brows as the frown on his face deepened. What would the girl think is she knew their true identities? She was oblivious to the fact at that moment-but what if she discovered it? The expression of guilt on Goku's face was enough to tip any observant stranger off-few humans felt any real sympathy toward the youkai race.

Hakkai sighed and shook his head, tearing his gaze away from the scene below. It was useless to continue watching; he'd witnessed many of the same scenarios time and time again that he knew what was coming.

It wasn't long before Gojyo decided enough was enough. He didn't know how much more of the conversation he could take before his anger got the best of him. He didn't miss the saddened expression on Hakkai's face, and that had been the very last straw. Since the discussion between the innkeepers daughter and Goku pertained to him, Gojyo didn't want Hakkai to be subjected to any more verbal torment. "C'mon, Hakkai. Lets call it a night."

Gojyo sneered, giving the two down below one last look before departing from the room.

"Oh, of course." Hakkai said, somewhat delayed as he realized Gojyo was speaking to him. He was still focused on what the girl had said, her words playing over and over again in his head whether he wanted them to or not.

_'Humans and demons should have never been living together in the first place!'_

That much he could attest for, even slightly.

_'It's not natural!'_

"It is getting rather late." Hakkai added, just to provide himself some sort of distraction despite the fact that he was now speaking to an empty room. He could hear Gojyo's footsteps growing softer as he retreated down the hall toward their room, and he hastened to follow him.

He didn't want to hear anymore of the conversation taking place below him-what he'd heard already had certainly been enough.

As the duo made their way to their hotel room, Gojyo made an attempt to relinquish all anger from his personna. Everything that had been said over the course of the last few minutes hadn't affected him personally, but he knew it bother Hakkai.

He wanted to change the subject as quickly as possible.

Holding the door open for the brunette, Gojyo plastered a fake (and hopefully believable) smile on his face. "So, that innkeeper really knows how to cook, huh?"

The plastic smile was back on his face as he caught up with Gojyo-he couldn't let Gojyo see that the girls statement had troubled him as much as it had. He was aware of the fact that the redhead was angry. He could see it in his stride, in the way he frowned around the dying cigarette still dangling from his lips, but he couldn't allow himself to be quite so oblivious.

"Yes," He agreed. "It's much better than anything we've managed to toss together on the road."

Gojyo shut the door after Hakkai entered, a frown again beginning to tug at the corners of his mouth. Sometimes it was almost scary how well Hakkai managed to hide his feelings. His same happy-go-lucky attitude successfully managed to fool Sanzo and Goku.

However, Gojyo could make out the tiniest of flaws-all of which hinted at any distress Hakkai might've been feeling.

And right now, Gojyo spotted several.

"You're damn right about that." Gojyo replied as he plucked the cigarette away from his lips, putting it out in a nearby ashtray. Noticing the time, Gojyo figured he should be considerate of how late it was due to the fact that they all had to get up early and head out immediately. Hakkai above all others needed the rest.

Hakkai did more things for the group than Gojyo could count on both hands.

"You want the shower first?"

Hakkai had wandered immediately over to their packs without meaning to-he needed to occupy himself with /something/, and organizing their supplies and laundry seemed perfectly suitable. He could fuss with that until he grew so exhausted he had no other choice but to fall asleep, and it would prove to be a welcome enough distraction.

Folding one of Gojyo's dirty shirts, he met the redheads gaze and shook his head. "No thank you." Hakkai said, forcing another smile. "You go on ahead. I'm going to take care of our supplies-sorting them out is long overdue."

As usual as Hakkai's generosity was, there was still those nicks only Gojyo could see in his polite exterior. It was normal of Hakkai to put other members of the group before himself, and that was something that bothered Gojyo immensely. There were times when Hakkai deserved some time to himself-some time to just relax and forget about the stresses of the world. But, Hakkai refused to accept such offers, for he felt there was much to be done.

Because he knew if he didn't do it, there was no chance in hell that it would be done by anyone else. Though, there were times that Gojyo made an attempt to help out...even if Hakkai had to end up fixing whatever mistake he happened to make in the process.

Gojyo paused in the door way to the bathroom, turning his head to look over at his shoulder, only to get a view of the other mans back. He was now readily occupying himself with the mass of clothes, deciding silently what needed to be washed, or what was ready for Gojyo and himself to wear tomorrow morning. He lowered his eyelids, scrutinizing Hakkai's body language for several moments more before he pushed himself off the door frame and padded over in his direction.

Upon getting there, Gojyo's arms slowly looped around Hakkai's slender waist, his chest pressed firmly to his back. His nose dug slightly into Hakkai's silky brown hair; his lips kissing the top of his head. "You could join me if you want." Though, Gojyo was anticipating a different response than he was accustomed to. Hakkai wasn't in the best of moods, clearly.

_Dirty. Clean. Needs to be mended._

Focusing on the rather large pile of clothes they'd acquired over the past few days was more difficult than he'd first imagined - he could feel Gojyo's eyes on his back, even as he did his best to ignore it. It had never taken very long for Gojyo to see through his facade; though it certainly fooled Goku and Sanzo for the vast majority of the time, Gojyo was different. Hakkai wasn't sure why he even continued to put up such a front around the redhead, but old habits died hard and he found it easier to snap back into his plastic smile and cheery mask than to be honest about certain things. The others had enough to worry about as it was; he didn't want to add any of his own issues to the list.

It was almost silly how easily he'd let an ignorant comment get under his skin as much as it had. He could have easily allowed it to roll off his back, to be pushed to the back of his mind and left there with the myriad of unimportant things he could mull over at a more convenient time. But something about her words and the angry way in which she spat them at the unsuspecting Goku stuck with him, even as he retreated from the other room and attempted to find solace in mindless laundry. What was so different about this? He'd heard such remarks time and time before - they were greeted with the mutual disdain for youkai in nearly every town they came to. Humans were distrusting of them, maybe even frightened - and they had reason to be. Their little mismatched group, above anyone else, was well aware of that.

Hakkai sighed again, wishing that Gojyo would simply retreat into the small bathroom and leave him alone for just a few moments. He knew what was coming, and mentally braced himself for the questions and skirting attempts to chance the subject that would surely occur in a matter of moments. Gojyo had never been one for handling uncomfortable situations very easily, and Hakkai knew that his own silence made him anxious. He couldn't blame him, though - it was always much easier for them both when things were back to their usual comfortable state and not like this.

Hearing Gojyo's footsteps behind him, Hakkai closed his eyes for the briefest of moments. He didn't want to explain himself to Gojyo; it would make him feel frivolous, and he was sure that the redhead would only think he was worrying over nothing. He wanted to lean back into the contact, to drop the torn shirt he was holding and allow himself another moment of peace, but he couldn't bring himself to do so.

"Not tonight," he said quietly, casting a glance over his shoulder at the redhead behind him. "I'm sorry, Gojyo."

Gojyo allowed them a few moments of awkward silence before he tightened his hold around the man in his arms. "Hey," He started softly, eyelids hooded, red iris' showing nothing but concern. For whatever reason, he wanted Hakkai to know that he knew why he was behaving the way he was. He wanted Hakkai to know that what was said shouldn't have affected him as much as it obviously has. Yes, he himself was bothered by the comments made, but he wasn't going to allow it to get to him.

Even though he was only a half breed and could never become a full demon, he could almost consider himself to be human. Hakkai had reiterated the fact that he was a demon and their relationship was dangerous several times before. Gojyo chose not to listen to those conversations. If he was at all worried about that fact, he would have never agreed to be in it from the start. Gojyo knew what he had brought himself into, and in no way did he regret it.

There was always the likelihood of Hakkai's youkai form finally breaking through to the surface and destroying everything he loves most. That was a risk Gojyo was more than willing to take. He loved Hakkai, and wasn't going to leave him over something he had next-to-no-control over.

"Cheer up."

Their silence was awkward, not the usual comfortable one they were able to fall into so easily. Hakkai wanted to say something, to make some sort of excuse that would avert the situation away from the dangerous territory it was treading on, but words failed him. He couldn't think straight, not with Gojyo attempting to be so caring and helpful and his own mind still focused on the feelings of the innkeeper's daughter. He hated that he was being this way, and adding any sort of fuel to Gojyo's worry - even with his back turned, he could practically see the other man's frown. Gojyo didn't need to deal with this - he didn't deserve it.

It was times like this that he began to doubt the validity of their relationship. Not the commitment - never the commitment, which they had both proved to be outrageously strong despite their differences - but what it was made up of. He was a demon, a dangerous one at that; though usually in complete control of himself with the aid of his limiters, there was always that chance that he could completely lose touch with his sanity. What would he do then? He couldn't live with himself if he did something to injure Gojyo, no matter how unlikely the redhead thought that possibility to be. What if something went wrong and he couldn't stop himself?

Hakkai smiled sadly, shaking his head at Gojyo's words. If only it were that easy. It faded from his face quickly, replaced again by a slight frown.

"What if she's right?"

Gojyo sighed softly.

The fact that Hakkai was considering her words to be true was getting him angrier by the second. Not at him, but what was said. "But you know she's not." Gojyo said quickly, one hand moving in a slow circle on the brunette's abdomen. "She's a punk kid. What does she know? What does anybody know?"

Gojyo firmly believed that every human wanted all of the demons that existed in the world dead. Hell, humans couldn't even stand the site of him because they knew his red hair and eyes indicated a taboo. They would never be able to be convinced otherwise-that not all demons were entirely bad.

"Look," The redhead paused, lips resting on the juncture of Hakkai's neck and shoulder. "I love ya, okay? I'll always be with ya and nothing, demon or not, could change that." It wasn't often that he was such a sap, but these particular circumstances called for it. He prayed by the end of the night that he could change every aspect about the mans current mood.

He didn't doubt it. He rarely failed at that.

"Do I?" he asked, more to himself than to Gojyo. Though it certainly wasn't always correct, he could understand where the girl was coming from in some obscure sense. With the effects of the Minus Wave spreading throughout the West, it was very easy to see where the prejudices against demons originated. Youkai were the cause of mass slaughters in some villages, and it was rare for them to see a town that hadn't been effected by their rampages. Maybe the girl had lost a loved one to a demon and believed them to be monsters, almost in the same way he had before he became one of them.

He could have very easily become one of those monsters, and the very thought was enough to leave him reeling.

He finally let go of the shirt he'd been clutching for the past few moments, a hand coming up to pinch the bridge of his nose. He didn't want this, not tonight. He was exhausted, they all were, and a good night's rest should have been his first priority - not these self-loathing musings, which were becoming more and more frequent as their journey progressed and he was able to witness the damage that was being done.

"Gojyo..." Hakkai trailed off, lost again as words somehow failed him. "You don't know that she's wrong. What if it isn't natural?"

He focused on a spot on the far wall, trying to keep his gaze away from the redhead. "What if I do something to hurt you one day?"

So many different things were bombarding Gojyo's thoughts as Hakkai continued to speak.

There wasn't a single doubt in his mind that Hakkai would never hurt him. He didn't believe that Hakkai would lose that much control to hurt the person he cared about most in his life. Even if it ever came down to it, Gojyo was confident in his abilities to perhaps, in a sense, tame the youkai raging inside Hakkai.

"Hurt me?" Gojyo let a hand slowly trail up the mans waist, side, and eventually reach the side of Hakkai's head. His fingertips ran carefully over the three metal clasps on the shell of his ear, his other arm keeping Hakkai near in case he tried to pull away. Typically, whenever Gojyo got remotely close to touching these limiters, Hakkai grew immediately uncomfortable and worried for what could happen in the event that they come off against his discretion. "I don't think you could hurt me if you tried."

He wanted to believe that he could exert some sort of control over himself if he ever needed to, but there was always that doubt. He knew that the likelihood of that happening was very slim - without his limiters, his sanity was more or less completely gone. He could easily rip through whoever stepped in his way without so much as a second thought. What if that person happened to be Gojyo? Granted, he'd realized after the incident with Banri that Gojyo acted as somewhat of a red flag - even in the haze of madness, he was constantly aware of the other. But what if that didn't hold true next time?

Gojyo's hand sliding up his side made him increasingly uncomfortable, and he froze as the redhead's fingers brushed against the limiters on his ear. He tried to pull away, but the strong hold Gojyo had around his waist kept him closer than he wanted to be at that moment. He tilted his head away, putting as much space between himself and Gojyo as he possibly could.

"Stop," Hakkai said quietly, hands nervously tugging at Gojyo's arm. "Please, Gojyo."

Gojyo, of course, would never do anything that Hakkai didn't want him to.

And that included removing the limiters.

His fingers froze atop the cool metal as he tipped his head down a fraction, kissing just below Hakkai's right ear. "I'm not going to take them off." He promised, hand falling back down to his waist. He hadn't intended on removing them. He didn't want Hakkai to be afraid anytime he happened to get near them.

Gojyo wanted Hakkai to understand that HE wasn't afraid of any consequences resulting if they were to be removed. Inside the youkai, there was still Hakkai, and regardless of how much control the demon appeared to have, he knew he could always bring the real Hakkai back out one way or another. "Do not listen to what she said. She's wrong."

He allowed himself to relax just the tiniest bit at Gojyo's words. Though he was sure the redhead wouldn't remove them on his own free will, the anxiety he immediately experienced anytime his hands drifted that way couldn't be helped. It was only natural; he couldn't deny the fact that he was something other than a normal human being, but he did not embrace his demonic background openly. If anything, he wanted to shy away from it.

He didn't want to be considered a monster anymore than he already was.

Little persuasion from Gojyo could cause him to think otherwise. He knew the redhead had only the best intentions, that he was speaking from what he believed to be true. Gojyo didn't think of him as anything other than simply Hakkai - he didn't see him as a dangerous youkai or heartless former murderer, and the brunette should have been happy to embrace that fact. Usually, he was, but there was always, no matter how heavily he tried to push it away, that doubt.

Hakkai allowed himself to sink back against Gojyo's chest, finding some sort of solace in the redhead's comforting presence. "I hope that you're right."

Gojyo waited a moment before turning the man around in his arms. "I know I'm right." It wasn't often that he felt confident about anything he said, but he sure as hell did right now, and he wanted Hakkai to know that. He didn't want Hakkai to feel any sort of pain, whether it was caused verbally or physically.

"Now," A smiled tugged at the corner's of Gojyo's lips, his forehead pressed to Hakkai's own, noses brushing. "Join me." Without giving the man even a second to protest, he hoisted him up into his arms, now grinning from ear to ear as he hauled him into the bathroom and shut the door, the laundry long forgotten.

**-End-**


End file.
